My Most Confident Self
She was a bada**
After attending a probate, a friend texted me with the kindest remarks regarding my appearance and how I carry myself. I was flattered but also reminded that this version of myself isn’t who I would consider the “most confident” Maileah. 2021 - mid-2022 are the years I felt my most confident.
At the beginning of 2021, I left my position as a full-time contractor with a branding and advertising agency without a plan. This was unlike me because I usually had a backup plan or a course of action, but I kept receiving confirmation that it was time for me to leave. And after another instance of my boss stealing my ideas and solutions and posing them as his own to the client, I texted my two best friends ragefully, saying how I was ready to quit. After their encouragement and a phone call with my mom, whom I was living with, I drafted my email giving notice of my two weeks.
I HAD NO PLAN. Just a ton of faith that this was a part of God’s plan and confidence that I would land a full-time job with an agency that recognized my work ethic and paid me what I felt I was worth.
After checking my bank account, I drafted my CRAZY FAITH prayer:
I would land a job that paid me 45,000 -50,000
I would find a job by July
*I’m sure I was more specific than this, but I can’t find where I wrote it down for the life of me!*
After drafting my requests, I reached out to one of the career coaches in the career center at my alma mater, letting her know I had submitted my two weeks and was ready to look for my next job. I spent most of my days applying, researching local agencies, and networking. Trusted professionals gawked and attempted to humble me. They reminded me that my requested salary was unrealistic for my experience. Still, I had faith and confidence, as did the career coach.
I spent the early part of summer (May - June) going through rounds and rounds of interviews, only to be ghosted. I created a Hinge profile, my first time on any dating app. I booked a trip to Dallas to visit my sister-friend, Sam, with my other sorority sisters. I had no worries about whether I would land a job because I knew it was only a matter of when. In the meantime, I just wanted to experience life - surrounding myself with people who valued me and wanted to love on me. This visit to Dallas was precisely that and is still one of my favorite memories from that year.
The day after I came back from Dallas, my family was headed to Cabo San Lucas for father’s day weekend. It was a trip I internally dreaded for several reasons, mainly because it was the first father’s day without my dad, and I didn’t know how to express my grief around my family (something I didn’t know how to do until this year and am still learning). My sister booked the most beautiful resort despite my dread and an almost missed flight. I spent most of my days reading, sunbathing, and indulging in the all-inclusive aspect. Father’s Day came, and I began to worry about whether I would hear back from one of the many agencies I interviewed. July was in a few short weeks, and I budgeted my savings to last me until then comfortably. The following day I received a message from a recruiter for a position as a Social Media Manager. I responded under the impression I would be working as a Social Media Manager for the recruiting firm, but I was wrong.
A day after returning from Cabo, I got on a 15-minute phone screening with the recruiter, where she asked me several questions and told me about the position and the agency. Her final question addressed my desired salary range, and she responded, “we’re going to put you in at the top end of your range.”
I learned that the position was with an agency I had found during college, where I told myself, “one day, I’m going to work here.”
I went through the rounds of interviews confident that I wasn’t just a fit for the role but an addition to the agency. After my second interview, I went downstairs and told my sister I wasn’t sure. One seemed to latch onto my character and answers, but the other had a strong poker face, but I have one more interview left. During that conversation, the recruiter called and said, “Maileah, I have some good news. They want to offer you the position and offer it to you at your top salary.” I didn’t negotiate, and some said this was a mistake on my part. My desire not to negotiate had nothing to do with a lack of confidence. It had everything to do with faith and belief. God gave me exactly what I prayed for, and I didn’t want to be greedy with God.
I started my new position in July.
Several months into working, I started looking for a place to move into. Initially, I was looking to purchase a condo, but after a heartfelt conversation with my mom, I realized purchasing wasn’t what I was ready for or needed. I began looking at apartments to move in during my birthday month, September.
In September, I moved into a townhouse within my price range, and in an area I loved.
I planned a celebration for my birthday—something I never did because, before 2021, I hated my birthdays. I celebrated all month long. I brought together all of my different friend groups (something that causes me immense anxiety) and planned a weekend full of activities.
This confident energy continued into early 2022 when I began casually dating, sometimes even shooting the shot myself. I started preparing for a promotion to a role that didn’t exist in my agency before I joined the team.
So what made 2021 - mid-2022 my most confident year?
It wasn’t the promotions, the dating, living by myself, or the trips… it was the confidence and stability I felt; in my core community, in myself, and the faith to understand I was in a season to receive everything asked for.
Looking back over this period, the confidence and stability I felt in myself never wavered. I knew who I was in relation to my work, my family, and my friends. I knew who I was with regard to my core values and what I wanted to be associated with. I knew who I was in relation to God and the season he had me in. And there’s something so powerful about this.
My core community never told me I was delusional about the things I was asking. Instead, they empowered me every step of the way. They never encouraged me to compromise, give in to small offers, or pursue paths I didn’t feel called to. They chose to celebrate me in my crazy faith and stand in faith with me.
I wouldn’t say I’ve lost that confidence or faith since that period. Instead, I’m learning to develop a new type of confidence and faith that is even greater. That confidence and faith were grounded in knowing the season I was walking into and who was behind me. This season is different. My core community has shifted as we are all in transition. I’m relearning who I am in relation to my work as my desires are shifting. I’m relearning who I am in relation to my friends after losing some and barely seeing most of my best friends this past year. I don’t have the same stability, as I don’t know what’s ahead of me.
This season is different than any other season I’ve been in. I don’t have some crazy requests or expectations of myself or something specific I am working towards. I’m just existing - healing parts of myself and shedding others, developing for what’s on the other side.
As I wrote this newsletter and reflected on this period of my life, this newsletter didn’t even begin to scratch at the bada** person I was (don’t get me wrong, I still think I’m bada**, just in a different way) or the memories. Maybe I’ll write more about this period… maybe.
ALSO - would you all be interested in some of the practices I used to maintain and build my confidence? What I didn’t talk about in this newsletter was how chaotic the end of 2020 was for me and how part of this season was celebrating how I found myself again.